Today's Horror Movies are nothing more than fluff, and most of them border on pornography. It's eighty to ninety minutes of who-ever-heard-of-them teen actors running around screaming while the killer stalks them, so he can kill them in the next really cool way the writer or director thought up from watching a billion other lousy slasher flicks.
Why is the killer killing them? Because he's crazy. If you're looking for something psychologically deeper than that, there's always Transformers 2 next door. After all, we all know that is what you do when you are crazy. You don't smear peanut butter all over your naked body and go streaking through the mall; you relentlessly kill new and uninteresting teenagers in new and uninteresting ways, because it's what you gotta do!
Oh, and sometimes...ssshh come over here. Okay, now don't tell anyone...sometimes, other people are in on it with you. I know Dude, true story.
I saw Prom Night the other day--the remake. I'm going to try and keep this as brief as possible, because I generally don't aim for people to fall asleep in the middle of my articles. I also want to preface this by telling you that at about twenty-five to thirty minutes in, Countdown with Keith Olbermann actually looked like a viable viewing alternative.
Cutting over bits that would make this movie actually seem interesting, the basic idea is a teacher, who is crazy and obsessed with a student, kills her family and almost kills her. Fast-forward to whatever randomly decided upon time increment later--usually six months or three years. She's living with her Aunt and Uncle in a new place where no one seems to know about her past issues. It's Prom Night. As she's getting prepped and heading to the Prom, the psycho teacher breaks out of the loony bin and makes his way to the Prom.
The Prom is in a swanky hotel, the dance is held in one of the auditoriums, and if you haven't already guessed, he starts killing everyone. Here's the problem with this movie: The Killer. Okay, so that's far from the only problem, but it's the one I've narrowed down.
Since when does being crazy make you a Ninja Master? I really wish someone could explain this to me. Political Pundits said racism was the elephant in the room no one was talking about. I say the idea that just being crazy and having the urge to kill makes you James Bond meets Jack the Ripper is trumpeting like the brass section down at the Copacabana over in the corner, and we need to take it down and sell its tusks on the Black Market to bankroll a real movie.
If anybody asks, I'm not here...hic!There are three key elements to making a working Horror Movie. For the purposes of this Blog, I will give you four:
1. Suspension of belief.
2. Suspense.
3. Fear.
4. $$$$ CHA-CHING $$$$ (aka Profit)
When you make a Horror Film, ninety-five percent of the elements which make up the story exist in the realm of fantastical. When you make the film, you are making a pact with your audience--a prenuptial agreement. You are saying:
If you, The Audience, do solemnly promise to accept the fact that Robot Zombie Ninjas, which will hereafter be refered to as Ninzombots, could indeed exist in all of the badassitudinosity we are about to display, I, The Director, do solemnly promise not to deliver you Wank Handerson, the gun-dropping Hero who expends over 2,000 bullets and only hits 3 Ninzombots, yet dodges every projectile sent in his direction minus the one that grazes his leg just because it looks cool to kill Ninzombots with a limp. I additionally promise not to forget exactly what the message or plot of my movie was at approximately 15 minutes before the end, making you feel like a complete sucker.It is very rare that the subject matter of a Horror Film produces suspension of belief from the audience without asking, and usually asking very nicely with buttered popcorn on top. It is at that point, however, when you can actually start to get down to business.
The business of a Horror Film is to scare and frighten the audience. Once they've accepted the demons you've created, then you can get to the fun part.
